Not mine. (You know how badly it ended when I got just a little close to being in a relationship…) It was SOMEONE ELSE’s boyfriend! I know! I’m not so proud. But to my defence, I had about no clue that he might have a girlfriend. Almost none. Anyhow, he’s the one who was wrong in this, not me! Let me explain…
I think I hadn’t noticed it yet, but this is the 2010s (pronounced “twenty-tens”—I know this isn’t a thing, but it should be!) and there is plenty of resources to help you meet people who just want to have sex with you.
I know, shocking right?
What’s really shocking is that I haven’t even considered using those amazing tools before! Who am I? A time-travelling housewife from the 30s? (See how it’s cool?)
Last Friday night, I was alone in my apartment drinking wine (and NO, it’s not pathetic, it’s called being single and introverted) when I started feeling particularly horny. Okay, I’ll admit that watching a vampire TV show while drinking red wine isn’t the best idea if you don’t have a boy-toy waiting for you in your bed, but what can I say? I happen to love that combination…
So driven by my drunkenness (and horniness), I downloaded THE dating app and started rating guys in my location.
Making my profile, I clearly mentioned that I was on a break-up remission, therefore only looking for a sexual partner. I learned my lesson; I wanted to eliminate any possibility of being an asshole again.
At first, I only enjoyed judging the guys on The Dating-App (I mean, come on! They ALL have a picture of them drinking a beer! But no, drinking alcohol doesn’t make you more attractive!). But I was soon disappointed : all those which I found both attractive and interesting were looking for a relationship…
I was about to close the app and go to bed when The Boyfriend appeared on my screen.
My first impression of him was that he was an evolution of the douchebag. You know what I mean : he doesn’t go to the tanning salon anymore and he threw away his old bandana, but we can easily see that he was a part of this species not so long ago. He has a long-on-the-top and shaved-on-the-side haircut and by the size of his biceps, you know right away he also owns a lifetime membership to his local gym.
But despite all of this, all I could focus on was how freaking HOT the guy was. Seriously, I could feel the heat from my couch.
His profile said almost nothing on his intention of being on the app, but the parcel of “douchebagness” left on him told me that he surely wasn’t looking out for the mother of his future children.
So I gave him a thumbs up, just to see what would happen. And to my absolute pleasure, he had already given ME a thumbs up! Which means we started sending messages to each other.
Okay, here’s the moment to judge me. From the very first message I got from him I understood one thing pretty clearly : the guy was as dumb as he was hot. And he was hot enough not to turn me off by how dump he was, so you can guess how stupid the guy sounded!
He wasn’t subtle in his intentions (turns out I was right about them!) or in his flirting techniques, but I kept looking at his picture and I kept on drinking my wine and well… In spite of EVERYTHING, I asked him to meet me at this club not far from my apartment and I got ready to meet him.
When he appeared in my sight of vision in the bar, I completely melted down. He was about a thousand times hotter in person than in his picture. It was a huge relieve; I was scared it was going to be the other way around!
But as soon as he found me and we began a conversation, he started to get less hot with every word that was escaping his mouth. So before I could finish my drink, I asked him if he’d prefer his place or mine.
“Hum… Yours would be better. It’s that I have a girl roommate and she doesn’t like it when I bring girls home.”
Yeah, a girl roommate. That could have been my clue #1, but you know, some guys really do have roommates that are girls.
Anyway, we went back to my place and as soon as I opened the door, he turned me around and started kissing me fiercely, holding me on the closet door. Remember the last one, the one with no sparkles or anything? Well, The Boyfriend was the total opposite of that!
They were no sparkles, they were fireworks! It was so intense that the first thing I knew one of his hands was in my pants and the other under my bra. And how he was talented with his hands… I lost a bit of consciousness there because of the too-high level of pleasure hormones into my brain.
And the second thing I knew I had my hands on the entry door and he was inside of me, right there in the hallway, both of us still half-dressed.
I’m not going to describe the whole night because it would be kind of a long post (and it would certainly be too graphic, and this blog is not porn!), but let’s just say that I didn’t even know it was physically possible for a guy to have that many erections in less than 12 hours. A pleasant, pleasant surprise.
And by four o’clock in the morning, when we had somehow managed to get off one another to take another well-deserved break, he got a phone call.
He ran out for his pants, which were somewhere between the hallway and my bedroom, and answered it. I was still half conscious because of the endorphins and the red wine, but I heard something like: “…no, no, babe, don’t worry. I’m gonna be back home soon…”
Clue #2 of course! But at that moment, it was the least of my concerns. The truth is, I was still wanting a bit more…
“Hey, hum… I gotta go. But we have to do this again,” he told me with a sexy smile, picking up his clothes.
“How about… now?” I said with my sexy look on, even surprising myself at bending on the bed in a welcoming pose.
That must have been a teasing demand because we did it once again before he left for good.
All I wanted after this night of pleasure was as many others as I could! I didn’t even go to the app again, except for sending messages to him, because I had found exactly what I was looking for. And I couldn’t text him because he didn’t want me to—clue #3!
So we saw each other again every night after that one, except Sunday when he paid me a fast visit in the middle of the day—I had never been happier to quit working on my paper, even if it was due for the next day and absolutely not ready!
But during all those visits, in which to my greatest enjoyment we almost didn’t speak at all, he always said he couldn’t stay very long. I didn’t bother me so much because it was always as intense as the first night, but it was definitely clue #4!
Seriously though, even if at this point I was more and more suspicious of the fact that he might have a girlfriend, I couldn’t care less. What we had going on was the essence of what I wanted my adventures to be (I never had something close to that kind of intense sexual intercourse with The Ex), so I only wanted it to keep going as long as possible, no matter what.
Except after what happened yesterday night, I changed my mind. Fast.
The Boyfriend was paying me another of his refined visits, and this time, we had chosen the kitchen table to play (we almost played everywhere in my apartment we physically could) when I saw my front door open wide.
Yeah: The Girlfriend.
“Fuck!” I said, pushing The Boyfriend as hard as I could. He turned around to face my new uninvited guest and that’s when she started crying and yelling at him like a crazy person. I mean, like any person who just saw her boyfriend ravaging another girl on a kitchen table.
I never saw a guy putting his clothes back on this fast. Then, he ran away after her, leaving me out of breath, annoyed beyond possible AND feeling really bad for the girl…
Later that night I checked on the app, but as I suspected, he had deleted his profile. And I was really disappointed; I couldn’t shake the fact that the best fuck of my life had run away and would mostly never come back…
Maybe I’ll go on the app again, but I haven’t decided yet. And now everywhere I look in my apartment, all I can see is the ghosts of The Boyfriend and me, having way too much fun…
I hope I’ll live an experience like this one again, minus the cuckold girlfriend barging in!
Tell me in the comments!
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