Remember when I said I was open to anything now? Well, you should never, EVER say those words! EVER! Because anything can really be ANYTHING! Even the single thing you wished for during about a year-and-a-half and which you thought would never, EVER happen. And especially not when it finally turns out that you DON’T want this thing to happen after all, because you realize it would be a MAJOR error! Okay, I’ll just explain…
Since the last adventure with The Guy-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I’ve been floating on this little cloud of happiness.
I understand now that it’s only when you find back your happiness—for real, not just kidding yourself into thinking you’re happy when you’re really not—that you can savor it to its fullest. It’s like the world is grand and marvelous, filled with opportunities and possibilities.
Seriously, I’ve never felt better in my entire life. And GOD how it feels good!
Now that the semester is over and that I don’t have to worry about missing The Ex anymore, all I had left to do was to finalize every detail for my summer on the other side of the ocean and see my friends and parents as much as I could before leaving—because I know I’ll miss them so much!
And BOY I’m so excited for this internship!
It’s like the most prestigious and important publishing house in the entire world! Even though my brain is tired of reading, I’ve forced myself into reading all the books they published in the last year to be up-to-date and to know their authors better!
Plus, I’m so excited to go to another continent! I’ve never even set a foot outside this country! Yes, this trip does make me a little anxious. Just to think of all that could go wrong, from a canceled flight, to drug sneaked into my bags, to being kidnapped at the airport like this movie (my father is not a retired FBI agent; he could definitely not come and rescue me from a huge prostitution ring!), and I start hyperventilating! But I’ve planned everything I could possibly plan and I have the emergency number in my favorite contacts on my phone, so I’m as ready as I could be!
What does all this happiness/excitement/anxiousness has to do with the fact that I’m now open to anything? Well… Here it is (brace yourself!):
I was doing a pre-packing exercise (you know, packing up everything you need for a trip a couple of days in advance and then letting it rest for a day or two to leave you some time to know if you forgot something) when there was a knock on my door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, but I figured it could just be my mom dropping some more travel guides (as if twelve is not enough already).
I got up from my living room floor who served as packing surface and opened the door… on The Ex!
The fucking Ex!
Do you know how many time (thousands of times!) I’ve daydreamed about him showing up at my door? How many times I hope to find him there, with his big smile, just waiting for me to open the door and invite him in?
It must be TENS of THOUSANDS of times!
But each of those times, I pictured myself jumping into his wide-open arms, happier than ever. Not wanting to swear and slam the door in his face with his big stupid smile who shouldn’t be there because HE BROKE MY HEART! (Okay, we both did… But I wanted so bad to make it work and he DIDN’T!)
I didn’t know what to say, between “What the fuck are you doing here?” and “Why didn’t you care enough about me to come here sooner?”, so I just said:
“Hey! Long time no see!”
“Yeah! Eh… Can I come in? There’s something I need to tell you…”
He seemed really serious and it freaked me out so I let him in. All I could think about was: “Oh no… Let it not be cancer please…”
We sat at the kitchen table and seriously, it was the most awkward moment of my life. We just know each other too much to be that tense with each other, it didn’t fit at all.
“Eh… I came here to apologize actually…”
He handed me a letter I hadn’t noticed when I opened the door. Yes, THE letter about the internship. I could recognize their logo on the envelope. I was boiling inside, but I managed to stay cool on the outside, as I wanted to know where he was going with this.
“I got this letter for you a couple of months ago and… well, I spent those months debating what I should do with it…”
“Why didn’t you just give it to me right away?” I said, starting to have less control over my growing rage.
“Because… the letter got me thinking a lot. About you. About us…”
Yeah! I really did say that! You know this saying about when a girl forgets a guy, it makes the guy come back to her? Well, apparently, it’s true! And let me tell you, it sucks!
“Okay…” I said really wanting to see where he was going with this.
“Well… The letter got me thinking about how I missed you and the life we had together… I know you wanted to make it work so badly and I used to think it was impossible, but I’m not so sure anymore.”
“But why didn’t you give the letter back to me sooner?”
The Ex seemed unsure at first, like he didn’t know how I would take his answer, and he was quite right to be! But he finally said:
“Because I read it… And I knew that when I would give it back to you there would be a chance for you to go away for the whole summer, and maybe for all your life. And I just had a hard time imagining this happening… But I came today because I decided that no matter what decision you make, it would have been worth trying. Better later than—”
Right there, I started laughing like a crazy person. I mean, an evil witch kind of laugh. I just COULDN’T believe it. The Ex hadn’t changed a bit during the last year and a haft. But I did. Now I see his little games and manipulations.
“No! That’s not why you came today. At all! You came only today because the date of the beginning of the internship—”
“How do you know—”
“I’m not done yet—The date MUST be in this letter and it’s next Monday. And by giving me the letter NOW instead of two months ago, you knew that I would have absolutely no possibility to go, that they would have given the internship to someone else, and that I would have to stay here! You know what? They tried to contact me in some other ways, you idiot, so yes, I know! And I’m packing right now,” I said pointing the living room, “because I’m taking the plane on Friday. And I’m really glad I am because I’m going to live a wonderful new adventure.”
I thought I was over, but after a few seconds, it seemed like I wasn’t.
“You know what? I thought a lot about us too. I thought and hoped you’d come back all this time, and I’ve been so hurt by not being with you. But it’s over now. I realized that even though we had a great time together and that you were my first love and a really important part of my life, I don’t want to build my future with you and I might not have been that happy with you as I thought I had been, at least at the end. There was a reason why I almost cheated on you, and I spend all those months angry at myself because I thought I was the only reason why and because I thought I was the one who had ruined everything, but now I know that something was wrong way before it happened. We were broken before and I just think you didn’t have the nerve to end it or the courage to try to fix it. Someone had to do something and it just turned out it was me. But it really could have been you.”
After that, we argued for what seemed like a very long time. He shouted at my face and I shouted at his. I’m going to spare you this moment; it wasn’t pretty at all. We never had the “break-up” argument. We had never really screamed at each other, even when we were together. But I think it was necessary. Because getting madly angry at someone you once loved deeply is the first step to forgetting him.
When he left I felt exhausted like I had just run a marathon. And I also felt as proud. I returned to my pre-packing exercise with a huge smile on my face (you know, once the anger wore off).
It has a been a really tough year and a half, ever since The Ex and I broke up. But if it was to be repeated, I wouldn’t change a thing.
I meet some amazing guys, spend more quality time with my family and friends as I thought it was possible, I had fun and I had some crazy embarrassing moments. But I lived more in the last six months than I did for the nine years before them. And I’m glad for everything. Every single thing.
Friday I’m taking a plane to a new continent, to a new job, to a new life. It’s a new beginning and I can’t wait to see what it’ll bring.
(At least for now!)
Tell me in the comments!
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